


Only poetry can convey how I truly feel.

by philippine



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunk Sex, F/F, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, One Night Stands, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, nothing too heavy though, temporary memory loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-04-24 23:33:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14366094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philippine/pseuds/philippine
Summary: Lena hastily finished her work for the day, she had sent Jess home an hour ago and gone through the last emails of the day before heading home, she was so caught up that she didn’t notice the hour pass. And now she was late, it wasn’t as important as a business meeting, but she hated being late and even more so when it came to Kara. She had grown fond of their girl’s night, which most of the time was just the two of them watching Netflix while eating take out. But what mattered to Lena was being with Kara, her best friend, she needed to remind herself often, she is just your best friend and it’s better than nothing. Lately it had become more and more difficult to be satisfied with just their friendship, the closer they became, the longer the lingering touches lasted, the deeper Lena fell for the blonde. But she was a Luthor after all, she could take it, she could hide her feelings, she had been raised to hide her true feelings, so that was what she did.





	1. Un seul Etre vous manque...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Un seul Être vous manque, et tout est dépeuplé. L’isolement, Alphonse De Lamartine
> 
> “One person is missing, and your world becomes a vast wasteland” Isolation, Alphonse De Lamartine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Rebellion_Bear for the corrections

  


  


  
  
  


Lena hastily finished her work for the day, she had sent Jess home an hour ago and gone through the last emails of the day before heading home, she was so caught up that she didn’t notice the hour pass. And now she was late, it wasn’t as important as a business meeting, but she hated being late and even more so when it came to Kara. She had grown fond of their girl’s night, which most of the time was just the two of them watching Netflix while eating take out. But what mattered to Lena was being with Kara, her best friend, she needed to remind herself often, _she is just your best friend and it’s better than nothing._ Lately it had become more and more difficult to be satisfied with just their friendship, the closer they became, the longer the lingering touches lasted, the deeper Lena fell for the blonde. But she was a Luthor after all, she could take it, she could hide her feelings, she had been raised to hide her true feelings, so that was what she did.

 

She sent a quick text to Kara, letting her know she was late, and she would come straight to her place from work, the blonde didn’t answer, and Lena instantly wondered what could be wrong. She was used to strings of emojis, which for the most part didn’t make sense to her, it was the first time she didn’t receive an immediate reply.

Lena stepped into her town car, giving Kara’s address to her driver while she could feel the anxiety grown in her gut. She wracked her mind, trying to recall if today has something special, an anniversary she could have forgotten, or if she had seen a Supergirl fight on her muted TV, but she came up empty. She couldn’t think of anything to explain Kara’s failure to reply. Once in front of the blonde’s building she instructed her driver to wait, if Kara wasn’t there she didn’t want to wait alone, outside in this part of the city, it wasn’t that dangerous here, but she was Lena Luthor and nowhere was safe for her, she didn’t need to be reckless, knowing that the danger always found her even when she was extra cautious.

She knocked on Kara’s door and waited, she had reached a point of anxiety so great that she could feel her limbs shaking, afraid of what she would discover once the door opened, if it opened, Lena didn’t know what which was worse.

Kara finally appeared in the door frame, and it only took Lena a second to see through Kara’s fake smile. She knew the blonde better than she knew herself, and right there and then something was wrong, gone are the food patterned PJs, Kara wore all black ones, her hair was a mess, glasses were nowhere to be found, and Lena could see empty take out containers on every surface available in the dark apartment.

“Hey” Lena softly said, “What’s wrong?” she asked while making her way in. She left her heels, bag and coat at the rack, and turned to give Kara her full attention. Kara was uncharismatically quiet, ducking her head and toying with her sleeves. Lena walked toward her and took the blonde in her arms, not knowing what else to do or say.

“Just a bad day,” Kara sobbed on the dark-haired woman’s shoulder.

“Shhhh” Lena guided the other woman toward the couch and they sat in silence. Lena was used to bad days. “I know what you need,” she suddenly said, and Kara looked at her questioningly. Lena didn’t say anything more, she stood up and went to the kitchen, selected two glasses and went through Kara’s cabinets. “Ah-ha!” she exclaimed triumphantly when she found what she was looking for, Alex’s alcohol stash. She took a bottle of whiskey for herself and a bottle of electric blue liquid, which was definitely alien from the look of it, for Kara.

“What?” Kara incredulously asked, “How did you know that was there?”

“I know your sister stashed alcohol somewhere here, it was easier to find than I would have thought though.” Lena went back to the couch and poured them healthy dose of alcohol, she suspiciously eyed Kara’s glass before giving it to her. “Tonight, we get drunk and we forget about everything.” Lena raised her glass and drank it in one go, she raised her eyebrow waiting for Kara to follow her suit. Kara huffed but drank her glass nonetheless, she made a face at the taste and set her glass on the coffee table falling back on the couch unceremoniously.

“And now what?” she asked unimpressed by Lena’s idea. The dark-haired woman smiled wickedly, pouring them another glass, she hadn’t chosen shot glasses and at this rate she would be drunk after four or five more, she hadn’t eaten tonight, and she could already feel the light buzz of the alcohol.

“Now, we drink the next one” Lena handed Kara her glass and the blonde did as she was told.

After their third glass in a row, Kara seemed significantly more relaxed, slouched on the couch and giggling for no reason. Lena poured them the fourth round, but before drinking it, she went looking for some water, she was playing a dangerous game, she was near her limit, and the goal of the night was to help Kara not to drink herself to oblivion, she knew water wouldn’t help them now, but they would be thankful tomorrow morning.

She rejoined Kara and forced the blonde to drink some water before continuing with alcohol. Lena couldn’t help herself, she should have stopped drinking, Kara wouldn’t have noticed, but seeing her friend depressed had only reminded her how lonely she felt, and how badly she wanted to be loved. So, she drank with Kara. The blonde laughed after her fourth drink, and Lena couldn’t stop herself.

“What’s so funny darling?” she asked and immediately regretted her words when she saw Kara looking at her with an unreadable expression, then it was gone, and the blonde smiled.

“I fail to see the point of all of this,” Kara pointed vaguely in the direction of the half empty bottles. “How getting drunk could solve anything?”

Lena laughed, “The point isn’t to solve our problems, it’s to forget about them.”   

“And regretting this tomorrow morning when we will be hungover!” Kara slurred slightly.

“Yeah” Lena replied absentmindedly, lost in the sight of Kara, drunk, sitting not far from her, their thighs brushing when she moved to pour maybe it was the reason she continued to pour drinks, to feel Kara’s thigh against her. She was weak, she was aware of the fact that with every drink, she was letting her guard down another notch and it became more and more difficult not to just bend toward Kara and capture her lips with hers, kiss her and deal with the consequences later. Her drunken mind began to think it was a good idea. She was about to settle back on the couch with her drink when a hand delicately wrapped around her wrist stopped her, the touch sent sparks everywhere in her body and she forced herself to repress any sound that threatened to escape.

She eyed those fingers, God she had dreamt about those fingers doing so much more than just holding her, this wrist, this toned forearm, the damned muscular bicep, the neck she wanted to kiss so badly. And finally, she met Kara’s eyes, they were soft, she almost dared to think loving.

 

Lena released the glass she had in her hand, and Kara pulled her slowly toward her, almost forcing her to straddle her lap. _This couldn’t be happening, right? It couldn’t be true, right? Surely her mind was playing her tricks, right? She imagined it, right?_ All thoughts stopped when Kara carefully rested her free hand on Lena’s jaw, and brushed over her lower lips with her thumb. Then the blonde was leaning forward, and their lips met. Lena’s mind, usually so loud, went quiet, not a thought, nothing, only the feeling of those soft lips against hers, those delicate fingers caressing her jaw, descending on her neck and pulling her impossibly close.

Lena fully straddled Kara’s lap, steadying herself with her free hand on the blonde’s shoulder. Kara released her wrist and brought her hand to Lena’s hip, the dark-haired woman took the opportunity to tangle her fingers in the blonde locks, keeping the heroine close.

Kara ran her tongue on Lena’s lips seeking entrance, making Lena moan and involuntarily rock her hips. The blonde took the opportunity to enter Lena’s mouth, their tongues soon fought for dominance, exploring each other. Lena pressed against Kara, rocked against her, the blonde accompanied her moves with her hand, which had slid from her hip to her ass, squeezing lightly and igniting even more fire inside Lena.

 

They parted, panting, and Lena hid her face in the crook of Kara’s neck, somehow afraid of what she would find on Kara’s face, even if it was the blonde who kissed her first.  Kara forced her to lift her head with a gentle hand on her chin, when they locked eyes, Lena was surprised by Kara’s shy smile directed at her, she smiled back, not knowing what to say now. Her silent mind seconds earlier was now so loud with every question, every worry, and Lena almost wanted to cry. But Kara stopped her spiraling thoughts by kissing her again, this time the blonde brought her two hands to Lena’s ass and lifted her effortlessly, she stood and walked them toward the bedroom. The alcohol caught up to her and Kara slightly stumbled, Lena found herself trapped between the bedroom door frame and the Kryptonian’s body, Kara was about to apologize but stopped when she heard Lena moaned and felt her grind against her, apologies forgotten Kara attacked Lena’s neck biting and kissing every bit of skin available.

“Shit, Kara, bed, now” Lena found her voice only due to her frustration, she wanted to feel Kara’s skin against hers and she wanted it now. Kara stumbled back and led Lena to the bed, unceremoniously laying her down, joining her quickly. They continued to kiss, hands roaming over bodies but somehow shyly, avoiding where they really wanted to touch and be touched.

Lena suddenly sat up, startling Kara who looked at her with concern, _screw it, if we are doing this, we are doing this all in,_ Lena thought, and she began to unbutton her top, fumbling with the tiny, tricky buttons, Kara caught up, discarding quickly her shirt in front of Lena. The dark-haired woman’s mind went blank and she froze.

“Well, fuck” Lena said, stunned by the view in front of her, she knew Kara was muscular, but this was beyond understanding, every muscle was perfectly drawn, Lena’s mouth watered at the thought of running her tongue and her fingers along them. She was pulled out of her daze by Kara kissing her back to the reality, the blonde pushed aside Lena’s hands and began to open her top, looking for any signs of doubt in Lena’s eyes, but the dark-haired woman was already gone, taking the opportunity to let her hands wander along Kara’s arms.

When all the buttons were finally opened, Lena threw her top somewhere across the room, focusing back on the goddess currently straddling her. She committed to memory every inch of Kara’s body, exploring it with her fingertips, hoping she would remember this in the morning. Kara kissed her way along Lena’s body, from her neck, between her breasts, on her stomach, along her legs, to her toes, kissing each one of them before moving back up. Lena held the sheets on her sides tightly like her life depended on it, even knowing Kara hadn’t properly touched her yet.

Once Kara’s mouth met her nipple, all coherent thought flew out of Lena’s head, she was reduced to sensation, Kara was dedicated, learning every rope to make Lena feel good, and she was a fast learner, helped by her heightened senses. With her mouth on one nipple and her fingers on the other, Kara played Lena like a musical instrument, eliciting noise from the dark-haired woman, she was moaning, groaning, whimpering, unashamed, overwhelmed by every new sensation.

Kara stripped her from her remaining clothes without taking her mouth from her body, and Lena would have been impressed if she hadn’t been too far gone, lost in her feelings.

Every built-up tension set off like a firework when Kara’s agile tongue met Lena’s clit. The dark-haired woman was trying to hold back her orgasm, it was too soon, she wanted to enjoy Kara’s skills longer, but Kara pushed two fingers into her and after barely two strokes, Lena tensed, arching like a bow away from the bed, her orgasm washing over her, leaving her spent and breathless.

Kara began to ease her body off to the side, but Lena stopped her with her hands on her hips, the blonde began to grind against Lena’s naked body. The dark-haired woman slipped her hand inside Kara’s pants and moaned when she felt how wet the blonde was for her, she slid two fingers easily inside Kara, and brought her other hand to Kara’s breast. The blonde sat up, fucking herself on Lena’s fingers, head thrown backward, mouth opened in a silent scream. Lena hadn’t seen anything more beautiful in all her life and she drank in the sight of the goddess above her. When she felt Kara’s inner walls tightening around her fingers she brushed her thumb over the blonde’s clit, and watched the woman she secretly loved came undone, before collapsing on her chest. Kara kissed her one last time before settling beside Lena, taking her in her arms and falling peacefully asleep, oblivious to Lena’s inner turmoil.  

 

Lena couldn’t find sleep, no matter how much she tried. She untangled herself from the Kryptonian’s grip, carefully not to wake her up, she quickly dressed, threw a last glance to Kara and left without a word.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I always enjoy reading your thoughts so, please comment!


	2. Je fais souvent ce rêve étrange et pénétrant...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Je fais souvent ce rêve étrange et pénétrant
> 
> D’une femme inconnue, et que j’aime, et qui m’aime,
> 
> Et qui n’est, chaque fois, ni tout à fait la même
> 
> Ni tout à fait une autre, et m’aime et me comprend.
> 
> Mon rêve familier. Paul Verlaine.
> 
>  
> 
> I often have this dream, strange and penetrating
> 
> Of an unknown woman, and whom I love and who loves me,
> 
> And who’s never, each time, not quite the same
> 
> Nor quite another, and who loves me and understands me.
> 
> My familiar dream. Paul Verlaine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Rebellion_Bear for the correction

 

 

 

  
  
  
  


Kara blinked rapidly, she felt personally assaulted by the sun. She turned and hid her face in the pillow trying to escape the sun’s rays shining everywhere in her room, she had nowhere to hide. Her head was pounding, her mouth was thick and after a quick glance she confirmed she was half naked. _What the hell happened last night?_ She tried to remember what she’d done, but the effort was hurting her, so she let the thought go. She drifted back to sleep, hoping her head wouldn’t hurt when she woke up again.

She was startled awake when she heard someone calling for her from her living room. Unfortunately, her head still hurt like hell. She quickly, well not so quickly because it was painful to move too fast, grabbed a shirt and joined the intruder in the living room, ready to share her displeasure with them whoever they were. The crinkle between her brow firmly settled on her face she entered the room.

“Wow, you look like shit,” Alex said instead of a greeting. Kara simply groaned in response, actual words were too hard to form for now. Alex went from worrying to chuckling when she spotted the remains of Kara’s night on the coffee table. “Well, it seems someone is hungover, that’s what you get for taking bottles from my stash,” Alex said over her shoulder while walking toward the kitchen to prepare coffee for her grumpy sister. “How did you find it anyway?”

“Lena,” Kara replied through her teeth, pieces of her previous night coming back to her.

“Smart girl,” Alex laughed, she contemplated giving her sister ibuprofen, the pills didn’t work on her alien metabolism, but maybe it could act as a placebo. Kara slowly joined her sister on her wobbling legs, and sat on a stool, she took her head in her hands and prayed to Rao to make the pounding stop. _What was she thinking when she drank like there was no tomorrow?_ She definitely felt like there wouldn’t be a tomorrow last night, when she was so deep in her self-pity party that she forgot about Lena’s imminent arrival.

Somedays, some very bad days, everything seemed too loud, too bright and too dull at the same time, the burden of the planet she lost too heavy, her heroine’s duty too ponderous, and her loneliness crushed her. During those days, she hid in her apartment, feeling unworthy of living, thinking she hadn’t deserved surviving her planet’s death. Usually she never let anyone see her like that, Alex caught her in this state once or twice, but her sister knew better than to try to cheer her up. But last night when she heard the knock on her door she thought it was a food delivery, she didn’t think more about it and opened the door even knowing she hadn’t ordered food. And she found Lena on the other side. _Lena and her stupid idea to get drunk._ She had to confess that yes, during the night she had forgotten about her mourning, from what she could recall, and it wasn’t that much, only the feeling of being weightless in fact. _Did she fly somewhere?_ She was pulled out of her head by Alex clearing her throat.

“Earth to Kara!” Alex said too loud for Kara’s throbbing skull. The blonde groaned, painfully extracting her face from her hands.

“What?” she asked through her gritted teeth. _Why does everything hurt so much?_

“What happened yesterday?” Alex asked, and from her tone, Kara knew it wasn’t the first time she asked.

“Hmph,” Kara let her head fall back on her arms, “I don’t remember,” she mumbled.

“You forgot the entire day?” Alex asked doubtfully, sliding a cup of steaming coffee in front of her sister.

“Nooooooo,” Kara whined, “It wasn’t a good day,” the blonde exhaled, physically deflating on her stool.

“Oh, that explains why I didn’t see you,” Alex absentmindedly said.

“Then Lena came…” Kara added slowly.

“Then Lena came, and?” Alex trailed off, maybe today was the day, the day when Kara finally acknowledged her feelings for her best friend, Alex hadn’t needed her detective skills to figure this out, and she was patiently waiting for her sister to finally talk with her about it.

“Then she thought drowning ourselves in alcohol was the solution,” Kara groaned.

“Ok, and then what?” Alex pressed.

“Nothing.” And that closed the discussion.

***

Throughout the day, Kara experienced weird daydreams about that night, some seemed real, the feeling of Lena’s thigh against hers when she was pouring them drinks, the pain disappearing slowly behind the blurry veil of alcohol. Others seemed unrealistic, Lena’s lips on hers, her mouth running along the dark-haired woman’s neck. Kara dismissed those thoughts, she was mixing memories and fantasy.

She was aware of her feelings for Lena, it wasn’t new, she had fallen slowly but surely in love with her best friend. But knowing her disastrous track record when it came to relationships, Kara chose to bury her feelings deep, as deep as she could, she knew it was one of the reasons for her mourning, but she couldn’t risk her friendship with Lena, the other woman had slowly become an important part of the heroine’s life, a mainstay almost as essential as Alex in Kara’s balance.

Kara closed her eyes trying to sort out the memory from the fantasy, like so many times during the day. She refused to call Lena before she knew what happened.

 

_Kara felt their thighs brush once again, she had to bite her lips to contain her moan, she watched Lena bend toward the coffee table revealing her tattoo, that damned tattoo that Kara dreamt of kissing, pouring them yet another glass. Kara knew she shouldn’t have drunk this much, not when she was alone with Lena, not when she needed all her focus to prevent her from doing something stupid, something stupid like stopping Lena from taking her drink. The feeling of the fragile wrist under her fingers was intoxicating, she waited for Lena to lock her eyes with hers, now or never, she would know everything she needed to know from this look, the time seemed to stop, Lena took her time, her gaze slowly roaming along Kara’s frame._

_When she finally saw Lena’s eyes, she found all she had always dreamt about. Nothing stood between her and Lena, nothing could stop her now, not when the dark-haired woman was looking at her so lovingly, she caressed her lower lip with her thumb, just to be sure, to give Lena the time to stop her, but she didn’t stop her, and Kara leaned in, finally kissing the woman she was in love with._

 

“Oh shit,” Kara opened her eyes suddenly, “I did it!” She startled Winn, who was working beside her, she had forgotten she was in the middle of the DEO command center, and she blushed furiously, partly because of her outburst, but mostly because of her memory. “Do you need me?” she asked Winn, hoping he wouldn’t, she needed to be alone, she needed to remember the previous night’s events, and obviously she couldn’t do it here.

“No, no, I don’t think so, but…” He didn’t have the time to finish his sentence, Supergirl had already left in a burst of wind “… you should check with J’onn… nevermind.” He shook his head and went back to his work.

 

Once alone in her apartment, Kara decided that maybe cleaning up the mess from last night would help, She had left this morning without looking at the coffee table, not sure she could stand even the sight of alcohol, and it helped indeed. She remembered her stumbles against the door frame, she remembered Lena’s command, she remembered stripping off her shirt before helping Lena with her blouse. With each new memory her blush deepened, her cheeks grew hot, soon accompanied by another heat, lower, the alcohol had weakened her inhibitions, so much that she had taken the lead, carrying Lena to her bed, and realizing what she was barely aware of wanting in her sober state.

 

When her apartment was straightened, and her memory seemed to be fully back, she contemplated her options, she needed to talk with Lena, it was a certitude, she couldn’t remember the other woman’s departure, and it scared her. Why did Lena leave? Did she regret what they has done? And the dark-haired woman’s silence didn’t help to calm her nerves. Normally, she would have received at least one text from Lena by now. She had to confess that she hadn’t texted her either, maybe Lena didn’t remember what happened last night. Maybe she should talk with her sister, Alex always knew what she needed to do or say. But it meant she would have to talk about her feelings for Lena and explain more about what happened last night. Kara wasn’t ready for the embarrassment of such a confession.

 

Kara looked at herself, she was still wearing her suit, she chuckled at the thought of someone seeing her cleaning her apartment in uniform. She shook her head and flew through her window without thinking her actions through. It only once she was hovering outside of Lena’s office that she realized it wasn’t the best place or time to have this conversation, Lena was at work, currently in the middle of what seemed to be an important meeting. Supergirl flew out of sight, not wanting to disturb the CEO. She listened closely to the city below her, no one seemed in need of her, so she decided to fly away, to clear her mind. She sent a quick text to Lena, knowing she wouldn’t have an immediate reply.

 

**Can I see you later? When you’re available.**

 

She contemplated added some emojis but decided against it. She didn’t know how she felt about the entire situation, so choosing emojis would be nearly impossible.

Supergirl drifted above the water, going farther and farther from the coast, watching the city shrinking before disappearing in the horizon. Kara stopped, unable to resist the urge of checking her phone, she found herself so far from the city that she was off-grid, it was too soon to receive a reply from Lena anyway, but doubt was eating her up, she needed to know, was their friendship irredeemably damaged? Or could something beautiful grow between them after their drunken night? She hoped for the latter, fearing the former. She fought as long as she could against the urge to go back to the City and forced herself to stay under the sound barrier during her flight back, dreading the reply. Kara stopped her flight, hovering just out of the city, taking in the beauty of what she had grown to love as her new home, more than the place it was the people in it that made it worthy. She retrieved her phone from her hidden pocket and finally read the message waiting for her.

 

**My place. 8 PM.**

 

Nothing more, Kara felt her heart drop, resigning herself she flew slowly toward Lena’s place, it was almost time, and she would soon know what her future would look like. Kara stopped outside Lena’s door. Saying she was anxious was an understatement, how could she not be, her future was right behind that door, good or bad, she stood at a point in her life where everything would change, and there was nothing she could do about it except accept her fate. Whatever Lena wanted from her she would give it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, tell me what you think.


	3. Tout cela ne vaut pas le terrible poison qui découle De tes yeux, de tes yeux verts...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tout cela ne vaut pas le poison qui découle
> 
> De tes yeux, de tes yeux verts,
> 
> Lacs où mon âme tremble et se voit à l'envers...
> 
> Mes songes viennent en foule
> 
> Pour se désaltérer à ces gouffres amers.
> 
> Le poison. Charles Baudelaire.
> 
>  
> 
> All that is not equal to the poison which flows
> 
> From your eyes, from your green eyes,
> 
> Lakes where my soul trembles and sees its evil side...
> 
> My dreams come in multitudes
> 
> To slake their thirst in those bitter gulfs.
> 
> Poison. Charles Baudelaire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Rebellion_Bear for the corrections.

 

  
  


  
  


_Be careful of what you wish for._ Lena chuckled dryly, few hours ago she was wishing she wouldn’t forget about her night, trying to memorize Kara’s body, every curve, every muscle, and now when she closed her eyes it was the only thing she could see, Kara’s body, it was the only thing she could feel, Kara’s fingers and lips on her. And she wished she could forget, she wished she could move on. The blonde was drunk, surely it didn’t mean anything for her, she was just an experimentation, a drunken mistake, and Kara would have forgotten about their night, or would ignore it. She could feel her heart shattered in a million pieces at the thought. She loved Kara so deeply that she was ready to do anything to stay in her life, to have her by her side, even if it meant being alone for the rest of her life, even if it meant watching Kara be happy with someone else.

But now she had had a taste of what it was like to be with Kara, even if it was just for the night, even if it was void of feelings on Kara’s end, she couldn’t unsee it, she couldn’t forget about it, she wanted more, more of Kara. She wanted so badly to be loved. Since the day she had lost her mother, her real mother, she had experienced this emptiness, nobody had come as close as Kara to filling it, but their friendship wasn’t enough anymore, Lena craved more, she needed to be needed, she wanted to be wanted. And not just for one night, she wanted a life-changing relationship, she wanted to be loved, cherished, protected, for once in her life she wanted to be the center of someone else’s life, more precisely, she wanted to be the center of Kara’s life.

Since she had woken up alone in her bed this morning, she had regretted her actions, first drinking, then letting this happened, and finally running away, by now she would have been certain about Kara’s feelings, if she had stayed. She would have known, but instead, here she was unable to focus on her work because of last night, because of her hopes running deep, hopes for a brighter future, a shared future instead of her lonely existence.

She had fantasized so many times about what could be, her future with Kara, it was almost like she had already lived it, it was what she thought about when she couldn’t find sleep, when she lost hope about redeeming her last name, when the burden of her current life was crushing her, she escaped in her made-up life, the one she imagined she could have with the heroine.

 

When she received Kara’s text, in the middle of her meeting with potential investors, she couldn’t keep her mind off it, she had to check under her desk, like a schoolgirl, the entire situation was becoming unbearable. She instantly replied, setting a meeting for later, she was still a CEO and had work to do, she couldn’t drop everything, run and join Kara. She knew Kara wasn’t asking her to, but she knew that one word from the blonde would be enough to make her willpower collapse.

Lena couldn’t focus on her work, no matter how hard she tried, there was nothing more she could do at her office, every single thought was for Kara. So, she decided to go back home, it was a bad idea, as soon as she found herself alone, with nothing else to do besides thinking, she thought, and her self-consciousness won her inner battle, after thirty minutes alone in her head, she was convinced Kara was coming to tell her to stay away from her. There was no hope for a Luthor. More so with a Super. She knew she wasn’t worthy of Kara’s love, and most of the time she let the voice in her head, which weirdly sounded like Lilian’s, convince her she didn’t deserve to be happy, she should focus on her company instead of being here, doing nothing but waiting to be rejected by the most important person in her life.

 

She was startled by the knock on her door, even though she knew it was coming, well she had thought Kara would come by the balcony, it seemed that the heroine had finally understood it wasn’t an entrance after all. Lena took one last deep breath and emptied her mind, getting ready for what was coming. But when she opened the door, she couldn’t hold back anymore. She was the captain of her own ship, she was Lena Luthor.

“Listen to me please,” she said without thinking, she would do this on her terms, Kara stayed still, mouth agape, and Lena walked inside without looking to see if Kara was following her. When she heard the door click closed, she turned to face the blonde.

“I know you said you wanted to talk to me, but there are things I want to say before, so, if you let me,” Lena waited for Kara to acquiesce with a tentative nod, then continued. “I know that last night didn’t mean anything to you, I know that it was just experimentation for you. I don’t know if you’re here to ask me to ignore what happened between us, or if you want me to stay away from you, and at this point it doesn’t matter. Because the only thing I’m certain of, right now, is that I can’t stand this, I just can’t. So, whatever you came here to say, please hold it, I think it’s better if we don’t see each other for a while, I think we should stop seeing each other, at least long enough to give me the time to move past you. In the name of your past friendship, I beg you to give me time. And I think you owe me that, I’ve given you a pass on so many things, I forgave you when it took you years to trust me enough with your secret, I forgave you when you just shut me out when you was mourning the loss of your boyfriend, I forgave you when you didn’t come to me apologize for the way you treated me during the Medusa affair. So, I think you can do this for me.”

“Lena… Wait what?? You… You want me to stay away from you?” Kara didn’t believe what she was hearing. “I… I don’t understand,” she said defeated.

“Kara… Please… just leave,” Lena turned her back and walked away, she had nowhere to go, she was in her penthouse, she just hoped Kara would listen and leave her alone, that was all she wanted, to be left alone to mourn her past friendship, the only good thing in her life, the only thing that brought hope and joy in her pitiful life, and she had destroyed it. She crumpled to the floor, exhausted, and cried as soon as she heard the door closing behind the most important person of her life.

 

***

 

Kara closed the door after her, throwing a last glance at Lena’s back, foolishly hoping the dark-haired woman would change her mind, face her and throw herself in the blonde’s arms. But Lena stubbornly watched in the opposite direction, and Kara left. What could she do? Lena had been clear, she didn’t want to see her, she didn’t want to be her friend anymore, Kara had had so much hope, and everything came crashing to the ground, with every word, Lena reduced Kara’s hope and heart to dust. There was nothing left to save, nothing else to do except leave and abide by what Lena had asked for.

So, Kara left, she walked without purpose for hours in National City’s streets. Her chest was constricted by the pain, she had lost another world yet again. How many blows could she take before being crushed under the regrets, the memories, and the pain? Didn’t she deserve to be happy? Didn’t she deserve to be loved? Why did everything have to be so hard? Her footsteps brought her to the limits of the city, at the edge of a cliff, she looked around her, she was alone, it was late. She had never come here, she had flown over, but she had never stopped here. She sat on the edge, her legs dangling in the void, contemplating the view that she didn’t really see, she was lost in her mind, visiting dark places she usually avoided, places where she let her soul drown in the despair. Was she really useful? Wouldn’t the world be a better place without her? If she hadn’t made it out of the phantom zone, Fort Rozz wouldn’t have crashed on Earth. Without her Alex would have died in her plane crash… She tried to reassure herself, focusing on one good thing she had done, but no, because without her, Alex wouldn’t have been on the plane in the first place, Alex would have been an amazing doctor, Jeremiah wouldn’t have joined the DEO. The Daxamites wouldn’t have tried to invade Earth because Mon-EL would have left with his mother in the first place. The more she thought about it the more she felt crushed by the guilt, the more she felt useless, and responsible. She looked down, to the void, to the waves coming crashing against the cliff and sighed.

She thought back to what Lena had said to her. How she believed the other night didn’t meant anything to Kara, how wrong could she be. It had meant everything to Kara, it wasn’t an experimentation, it wasn’t meaningless, how could Lena think that? Lena couldn’t stand it, well Kara couldn’t either, she had things to say too! She couldn’t leave without telling Lena what she really felt, it was unfair, why was she supposed to stay silent, why was she supposed to keep everything inside? Everyone in her life asked her to keep it quiet, to be invisible, to be silent, to be average. She was tired of hiding, she was tired of being average, for her own safety. What was the point of being safe if she was alone, if she was sad? She wanted to be loud, she wanted to be seen, she wanted to have what everyone else was allowed to have! She was supposed to look more human, but she couldn’t have a human life? She was supposed to leave behind her heritage, but wasn’t allowed to build a future for herself? And why? Because she was an alien, she hadn’t asked to be sent here, she hadn’t asked for her powers, she hadn’t asked for anything. She had to hold back constantly, and for what, she constantly struggled with life, no one could understand what it was like, she had to meet impossible expectations, she had to stand tall, she had to fight harder, she wasn’t allowed to be weak, she wasn’t allowed to be sad, she was never left alone, and she was tired and she was angry.

She felt the rock under her hands crack, being reduced to dust, like her heart. She couldn’t let herself sink into this kind of mood, she couldn’t be angry, she couldn’t be tired, she needed to take care of herself, because no one would do it for her. She would say what she had to say, she would show who she really was and not a Comedia Dell’Arte mask she hid behind. And she would leave, but not until she’d had her say too, and she was tired of being silent. She had to talk or get drunk to silence her mind, to let rest the ghosts of her past deep inside her soul, and she saw last night that alcohol wasn’t a solution.

 

She stood and flew straight to Lena’s penthouse, she couldn’t care less if she was seen in her civilian clothes, she was on mission and nothing could stop her. She almost crashed on Lena’s balcony and forced the doors open, she would apologize later, maybe.

Lena appeared from the hallway with a gun pointed at the blonde, when she recognized the intruder she barely lowered the barrel, not sure of what had happened or why Kara was there.

“Listen, I know you asked me to leave you alone, but I can’t, not before I’ve said what I have to say, that’s not fair to me, I have things to say too, and I want you to listen,” Kara said, determined.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, as always I love reading your thoughts.


	4. Je pleure pour Narcisse...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Je pleure pour Narcisse, mais je ne m'étais jamais aperçu que Narcisse était beau. Je pleure pour Narcisse parce que, chaque fois qu'il se penchait sur mes rives, je pouvais voir, au fond de ses yeux, le reflet de ma propre beauté.”
> 
> L'Alchimiste, Paulo Coelho.
> 
>  
> 
> “I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.”
> 
> The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Rebellion_Bear for the corrections.

  
  
  


 

  
  
  
  


“Listen, I know you asked me to leave you alone, but I can’t, not before I’ve said what I have to say, that’s not fair to me, I have things to say too, and I want you to listen,” Kara said, determined, there was no way she would let someone else dictate how she was supposed to act, she loved Lena deeply, but she needed to take care of herself too.

“I came here in a first place to talk to you, I was hoping so much, when I was waiting for you to open your door, and I won’t let you shut me out without telling you what I feel, that’s unfair, you said a lot of unfair things, but not letting me tell you what I came to say was the worst. The other night wasn’t meaningless on my part, it wasn’t an experimentation, it wasn’t a one-night stand. Yes, I know that I acted on impulse, I didn’t think things through, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, and I won’t let you trample on my heart.” Kara stopped and eyed Lena who had finally put down her gun and crossed her arms on her chest.

 

“Well, go ahead, say what you have to say, so we can go back to our lives,” Lena said, not impressed by Kara’s discourse. The blonde lost a bit of her bravado at Lena’s tone, but she took a step forward nonetheless.  

 

“I love you,” she blurted out, “I love you and I thought you shared that feeling the other night, it’s why I acted on my feelings, it’s the reason why I kissed you in the first place, and when you kissed me back, I was sure, so sure, we could be something, we could build something, but I woke up alone! You left, you, not me, you ran away! I came here to tell you how I felt, and you sent me away! I came here ready for anything but this! But I’m done! I came here to tell you that I love you, I didn’t say anything sooner because I was afraid of losing you, but it seems that I lost you anyway, so if you don’t love me, if you want me to leave I will, but if you love me, if you feel something for me I’m ready to forgive you, forgive you for being a coward, forgive you for thinking that I didn’t trust you, forgive you for thinking that I was selfish when all I’ve done was try to protect you at my expense!” Kara wasn’t done, the floodgates were finally opened and there were so many things she wanted to say, but every word, every thought died on her tongue when she felt Lena’s lips pressed against hers. Lena’s arm wrapped around her neck, pulling her down. Lena’s hand firmly holding her hip. 

 

Lena couldn’t believe the words coming out of Kara’s mouth, how could have she be so wrong, Kara loved her, well they had thing to discuss, but she couldn’t hold back, she couldn’t stay away any longer, she needed to kiss the blonde, so she moved forward, joining Kara in the middle of her living room and she followed her gut, for once. She stopped Kara’s rambling, kissing her, trying to pour all her feelings into the contact between them, pulling the other woman impossibly close, until Kara lifted her off the ground, then she wrapped her legs around the blonde’s waist, holding her like a life line, and it was what she was for Lena, her savior, her knight in shining armor, even from the beginning. Kara was as stubborn as Lena was a coward, and for that she couldn’t be more thankful. They barely parted and Lena whispered against Kara’s lips.

 

“I love you.”

 

Kara didn’t need more, she was ready to be strong for both of them, she wanted to be there for Lena, supported her, protected her, even if it was from herself. Three words, it was all it took to shift Kara’s world, changing it to a place she wanted to be part of. She hoisted Lena on her hips, carrying her to the couch, she didn’t want to be separate from her, she needed to feel Lena against her, just to be sure it was real, she wasn’t dreaming.

 

Kara sat carefully on Lena’s couch, their lips were never apart more than seconds, both lost in the heat of the moment, they couldn’t have enough of each other. They should stop, they should talk, but neither of them could find the strength to put any distance between their bodies. The blonde’s hands caressed Lena’s side up and down through the thin fabric of her silk top.

Lena repositioned herself, straddling Kara’s lap, she had her hands on Kara’s shoulders. She pushed the blonde back, Kara looked at her questioningly.

 

“We… we should talk…,” Lena said, breathless, but she ignored her own words when she bent forward and kissed Kara again. The blonde let Lena lead, she would be fine with whatever Lena wanted. Even if the more they kissed the more she wanted to rip the woman’s clothes off, her resolution began to crumble when Lena grinned on top of her, her fingers tingling with the lack of skin to skin contact, Lena’s moans did nothing to help either.

 

Kara tentatively slipped a hand under Lena’s top, and groaned as soon as her fingertips touched the delicate skin. Lena shivered at the blonde’s touch, grinding down even more.

 

“Maybe… later…,” Lena whimpered, she grabbed the hem of Kara’s shirt, and pulled lightly on it, testing if Kara was ok with going further. Kara moved away from the back of the couch to help Lena, and once her shirt was tossed aside she switched their position, easing Lena down and moving on top of her. She slid one knee between Lena’s legs, ascending slowly until she applied gentle pressure against the dark-haired woman’s center.

 

“Shit” Lena bit her lip to keep more curses from pouring out, she was emotionally drained, but she couldn’t deny the way her body responded to Kara’s touch. She buried one hand in Kara’s hair, and used the other to pull the blonde’s leg between hers, grinding her hips, seeking release.

 

Kara leaned her weight on one arm, and explored Lena’s upper body with her free hand, slowly moving her fingertips under Lena’s top, when the dark-haired woman arched her back, Kara raked her nails along Lena’s spine.

 

“God… I want you,” Lena exhaled slowly trying and failing to reign in her desire for the blonde.

 

“I want you too,” Kara replied between two kisses along Lena’s neck. She had been obsessed by this neck, and by Lena’s body in general.

 

“This isn’t a … fling?” Lena suddenly asked, needing to be reassured, she couldn’t handle being rejected.

 

“Rao, no, Lena,” Kara stopped her ministrations, she rested her palm delicately on Lena cheek, caressing her with her thumb, “I want this, I want it all, I want the dates, the cuddles, I want us,” she reassured and proved her point by kissing Lena slowly.

 

“I want that too,” Lena replied shyly.

 

“We should stop here, you might be exhausted.”

 

“I… yes,” Lena said, casting her eyes to the clock on the wall, it was awfully late, and she was supposed to be at work in few hours. “Please, stay.” She wasn’t ready to let Kara go.

 

“Ok,” Kara stood slowly and help Lena to her feet, they made her way to the bedroom in silence, Kara undressed, only keeping her underwear on, and slipped under the blankets, waiting for Lena to join her.

 

Lena was frozen to the spot, she had watched Kara undress, she already knew how beautiful the blonde was, but seeing her casually undress, made Lena’s knees weak, she was indeed exhausted, but she wasn’t sure she could sleep knowing a goddess was lying beside her.

 

“Is something wrong?” Kara asked, seeing Lena hadn’t joined her yet.

 

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Lena shook her head and slipped under the blankets. Her heart almost stopped when Kara scooted closer and spooned her from behind.

 

“Is it too much?” Kara worried, she had picked up on Lena’s suddenly erratic heartbeats.

 

“It’s perfect, goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight, love” Kara nuzzled against Lena’s neck, and Lena had to remind herself how to breathe. The heroine would be the death of her.

 

Lena groaned audibly when her alarm woke her up, she was exhausted, she felt someone stir behind her, and smiled fondly, it wasn’t a dream, Kara was there, holding her. She tried to step out of the bed without waking her guest but extracting herself from a Kryptonian’s grip was an impossible task. She turned in the embrace, and faced Kara, the blonde seemed peaceful, unaware of her surrounding, Lena sighed.

 

“Kara? Darling, wake up,” Lena whispered, thinking it would be enough to wake Kara, but the heroine didn’t move, she tried against gently shaking Kara’s shoulder, but nothing happened, in despair, she kissed Kara slowly, and this seemed to work, she felt Kara’s smile spread against her lips and reciprocation of the kiss.

 

“Hmmm, good morning love,” Kara said lazily when they parted.

 

“Good morning,” Lena replied with a wide smile, she could get used to this, waking beside Kara every morning. Then she saw the hour and groaned. “I need to go to work,” she sighed.

 

“No,” Kara whined, “stay, we could call in sick, and cuddle all day.”

 

“As tempting as it sounds, I have to decline.” Kara tightened her hold around Lena’s waist, making it impossible for Lena to leave. “But I will see you later, we still need to talk.” It was Kara’s turn to groan as she flopped back on the bed, releasing Lena.

 

“How long before you’re needed at work?” Kara suddenly asked with a wicked smile.

 

“Hmmm, one hour, I think,” Lena replied missing Kara’s smile, she was suddenly pulled back on the bed and pinned there by a mischievous Kryptonian.

 

“I can work with that,” Kara said before attacking the pale skin of Lena’s throat with her mouth.

 

“Shit, yes,” Lena exhaled, lacing her arms around Kara’s shoulders. Kara lowered herself, gripped Lena’s waistband and stopped, looking for any signs of hesitation on Lena’s end, when she found none, she lowered Lena’s panties and trailed kisses along the dark-haired woman’s legs on her way down, then on her way up. Kara licked from Lena’s entrance to her clit and looked up pleased with the sound she extracted from Lena, she dove back, focusing her skilled tongue on the dark-haired woman’s clit, sucking, circling and kissing, before slowly sliding a finger into Lena. Then she added a second finger and found her rhythm, slow enough to work Lena up.

 

The dark-haired woman breathed heavily, a hand firmly holding the blonde’s head between her legs, her other arm resting across her face.

 

“Kara please,” Lena whined desperate for a release, she tried to move, to meet Kara’s slow thrusts but the blonde held her still with a hand on her hips, and all she could do was wait for Kara to give her what she wanted when she wanted.

 

Kara finally upped her pace and bent her fingers slightly, hitting Lena’s sweet spot, Lena’s entire body tensed while Kara helped her ride her orgasm until she fell boneless back on the bed. Kara wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and made her way up kissing Lena’s skin. She kissed her lips sweetly when the dark-haired uncovered her face, letting her arm fall along her side. Then Kara smiled wickedly, and sat up against the headboard.

 

“You should get ready for work, or you’ll be late,” Kara said, nodding toward the clock on Lena’s nightstand, and Lena was already late, she rushed to her bathroom and left hastily, but took her time kissing Kara on her way out.

 

“See you later,” she half said half asked.

 

“Of course, love, have a good day,” Kara replied with a wink.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.


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